This has been a part of myself I seemed to forget. It has been shut down and denied because as a child when I spoke from what felt like a truthful place, it was invalidated or taken the wrong way. For example; as a young child I remember saying to my Mum “What’s wrong Mummy?” The reply or retort was; “There’s nothing wrong with me”! This gave mixed messages because I knew what I saw as her looking sad or even depressed, leaving me feeling confused. Yet my mother who taught me the value of honesty was now indicating that I couldn’t trust my instincts and what I heard was you are wrong. I even lost faith in the one person I had always looked up to, to teach me healthy values.
With no one at the time I could communicate to about this I found myself turning to addictive tendencies, initially numbing out in front of the tv. and turning to sugary foods, looking back may seem pretty harmless but this led to taking money from her purse to satisfy my craving for sweets and something I have felt ashamed of for many years. Later in my twenties when I felt invisible or struggling with relationships turning to alcohol seemed to give me an opportunity to avoid looking at the real issue and again numb out the pain. I have often been told “You are too sensitive”. What does this mean?
I believe we are all born with a gift of being intuitive and are taught or conditioned to look to others or the logical mind for answers and of course if we can’t find it there, we have ‘Google’. My experience is that this can lead to confusion, anxiety and a lack of trust in ourselves and others.